OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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