i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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