I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
