Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
