do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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