AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
