I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
