you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
