No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
