Someone shit on the floor
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
