Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I came so hard my ears popped.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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