they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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