Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
