bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
