he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
