i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
