Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I FOUND THE LEGS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
