In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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