Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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