I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
