Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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