I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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