You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
