Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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