Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
How's work?
Spinning.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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