I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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