The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
