I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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