i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
