I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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