I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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