He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
