He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
