Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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