i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
