You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
