so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
