Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Randomize
