I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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