a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
