I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
