everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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