if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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