I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
