i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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