I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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