We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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