On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
