He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
