Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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