I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
